Nuffnang

this is about family and its ups and downs, living, and everything about life from a working mom's perspective.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Of Hurt Feelings and Bitterness

I am not as magnanimous as people think I am. In fact, I am the exact opposite of such. I don't give unless I know there's something for me in return.  I harbor ill-feelings.   I don't forget.  I get even. And if I can't get even, I hold a grudge... for eternity.

I read somewhere that kids can be more forgiving than adults. I believe that is true.  Probably because they have much purer hearts and souls or because they haven't experienced much pain and suffering that they have lost their belief that forgiveness is a healing balm.

Yes, I am no angel. 

I have a lot of patience. I rarely contradict other people's opinions, in the fear that I might hurt their feelings.  I try to be sensitive enough to others' sensibilities in order not to offend them. But it's always not so easy.  Why go through all the trouble of being nice at all? Because, I don't like people saying anything bad about me behind my back.  That's how self-absorbed I am.

I try to see the best in people sometimes, but once I see that my life would be better off without you being part of it, then I would gladly part ways with you.  I can easily write a period to whatever we have once my mind decides (despite strong objections from my heart).  Because you see, I get most hurt by people I love.  And if you knew me and you've caused me more pain than happiness, then life would be much more fun and less stressful with one less person I have to worry about: you.

And if I cross you out from my Christmas List (with finality), I would have sleepless nights and nightmares about it for many days to come (and probably for all my life), but you will always be forever there - in the section reserved for "acquaintances".   Again, why?  Why make my life miserable with you in it when I can have it more fun without you?

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve. It is a very rare occasion for people to see me cry.  Except for my husband.  I often wear a mask in front of people - the happy mask, the pissed mask, the puzzled mask, the incredulous mask, the innocent mask- but rarely the sad mask.  It is one thing I reserve only for myself, my husband, or my best friend.

In short, what you see is not really me.  I am not proud of it. So be careful, I am me.

 

4 comments:

Rae A. said...

I think it's ok to cut people off of your life. I do that too. And I can do that without feeling any guilt at all.

We're similar in a lot of ways. Only, I don't hold ill feelings. I'm patient but when Im gravely crossed, I cut the person off

jaja said...

thanks!

i've been trying for the longest time not to hold any grudge to anyone who's offended me. I've been unsuccessful so far.

blahblahblogchef said...

we're sisters talaga. pareho tayo. i'm not the forgiving type!

jaja said...

as in tsa sin? we really are! kakatuwa!!!!!!